Teams to Hate in College Football: A Beginner's Guide

Welcome followers of 2 Dicks Sports.  We hope you are enjoying our blog so far.  With football season just under 3 months away we thought we would start to prepare you for the fact that there may not be an NFL season this year.  Everyone loves the NFL and also fantasy football.  We know it will suck if no agreement is reached.  But, fear not because college football can be pretty goddamn entertaining as well.  More games.  Bowl season.  More affordable tickets.  Not a bad way to spend a Saturday.  For those of you not as familiar with the sport because you focus on the NFL, don't worry we got you covered.  First, you need to pick a team.  This should be easy if you went to a big college.  And if not be thankful you still have options and didn't make the mistake of attending a school with a football team that sucks balls.  You should think long and hard when you choose the team who you will support, and we wouldn't want to rush you into a bad relationship.  So we are not going to tell you who to root for, but who to root against.  These are teams you should hate with all of your soul.  Hate their colors.  Hate their fans.  Hate them with a passion.  This way you can test out rooting for a bunch of teams because you will cheer for whoever plays these teams week by week.  So, here is the list with one team per BCS conference.  You shouldn't have any trouble with this because these teams are easy to hate.  So hate these teams all season and hey you might find out you like college football just as much as the pros.

BIG EAST: WEST VIRGINIA

  First off, we do not recommend that you subject yourself to the mediocrity of football that resides in the Big East.  But, if you do this is surely the team to hate.  Their AD, Oliver Luck, is the father of top NFL prospect quarterback Andrew Luck.  He probably doesn't even root for this team. How could he when he sent his son to Stanford?  He probably actually wanted him to get an education.    They run a bullshit offense.  Their head coach is leaking rumors to the press about the coach in waiting's severe drinking problem.  What a disaster.  Their fans are unruly retards.  And they are determined to solve this problem by serving alcohol in the stadium this season to cut down on the binge drinking.  Brilliant!  Their most popular player among their fans over the past few years is Owen Schmitt.  This guy:

This is not an athlete.  This is an inbred hare-lip mutant.  Remember every week, root for anyone playing against the Mountianqueers!

BIG TEN: MICHIGAN
This team sucks.  So if you root against this team you will find yourself reveling in the glory as teams stomp all over the "Blue and Maize" douchebags.  They have a lot of fans that hold on to their past success, but hopefully they never return to greatness.  They have stupid uniforms that have nothing to do with a wolverine.  They tried to go against Big Ten tradition and bring in Rich Rod to insert a spread offense.  What a mistake.  Their quarterback, Denard Robinson, who everyone was drooling over last year, can't even tie his shoes.  What a retard.  Root against the Wolverines this year and you will understand why so many already hate their guts.

ACC: VIRGINIA TECH

You should always fist and foremost hate Duke.  But, in football that is a waste of time.  So let's go with the Hokies (whatever the hell kind of mascot that is).  First off this team doesn't even play football, they play Beamer Ball.  This is a sport where offense and defense are ignored for the most part so everyone can be an expert on special teams.  Then they just insert an "athlete" such as Tyrod Taylor or Michael Vick at qb who can run around and throw far and cross their fingers.  They produced top quality dog abuser Mike Vick, along with his brother Marcus, who flipped off his own fans.  Who would want to root for them?  After being upset by James Madison University and Boise State in their first two games last year, they have scheduled one of the softest non-conference schedules in all of college football.  Yet, somehow they always manage to win the ACC and make it to the Orange Bowl.  Here they usually manage to embarrass the ACC and harm the reputation of our conference.  They were pummeled 40-12 last season by Stanford.  And in 2007 they lost to Kansas.  Kansas!!! How the fuck do you lose to Kansas in a sport other than basketball?  Seriously, root against them with all of your might so the ACC can send someone else to the BCS this year.


SEC: FLORIDA

First of all there is "The Chomp".  This is the most obnoxious fan activity.  They also have a history of running up the score.  Many of their players are constantly getting arrested...which led new coach Will Muschamp to institute "The Florida Way" code of conduct.  What the hell is that, don't break the law?  But, the biggest reason to hate the Gators is still Tim Tebow.  He is easily the most hateable college quarterback of recent memory.  "Oh my God we lost I am so upset.  I promise we will never lose again."  Florida is even stupider for engraving "The Promise" on their wall.  I remember watching ESPN specials about this guy going to prisons to be an inspirational speaker to inmates.  WTF could he say?  "Listen guys I know no one wants to hire ex-cons, but you can do it! Just start crying and punch yourself in the face so you're bleeding a little.  Then look them in the eye and say 'I know you don't want to hire a criminal, but a lot of good will come of this.  I promise I will be the best janitor you have ever seen and you will never see another janitor clean as hard as me.'  They will hire you and post a copy of your speech up on the wall.  Now which one of you nancy boys wants to bend over for Timmy Tebow?"  These guys are cocky bastards that are on the downfall.  Hate them with all of your might.  

  Pac-12: SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

The USC Trojans are another easy team to hate.  They are responsible for all of the NCAA investigations currently going on.  Reggie Bush volunteered to give up his Heisman, but he still hasn't sent it back.  Their former head coach Pete Carroll was a hippie.  Their current coach Lane Kiffin is an idiot.  His dad is doing all of the coaching for him.  How this team rose to prominence, I have no idea.  Let's take a look at some of the players they have produced over the last decade:

Is this a football school or a modeling agency?  You need to hate these hollywood gay-boys.

BIG 12: TEXAS

Texas might seem like a good team to root for.  Vince Young and Colt McCoy aren't so bad right?  But, they are becoming too powerful and they must be stopped.  They do not equally share revenue with the rest of the Big 12, like the Big Ten and SEC do.  Last year, when the super conferences were almost formed, everyone was waiting on Texas to make up their mind.  The Pac-10 and Big Ten were in a tug of war over this school.  They are forming The Longhorn Network with ESPN.  WTF?  Why do they need their own channel?  This team is constantly over ranked.  Even last year when they sucked an egg, it took them weeks to drop out of the rankings.  They cheated Nebraska out of the Big 12 championship 2 years ago.  They must be brought back down to size!!!

So remember.  Hate Hate Hate.  It is almost as fun to root against a team as it is to cheer for one.  So if you don't have a favorite college team yet, or if your team sucks just root against these guys.  It will be tough, because these teams are pretty good, and they will win a lot of games.  But when the upset happens it is worth every moment of it.  So next time Appalachian State beats Michigan make sure you are watching.  And if you know any fans of these teams taunt them like there's no tomorrow.  Never let them forget it.  Welcome to college football fanhood!