Tiger Tiger Woods Y'all!!

Anyone with half a fully functional brain has already heard the news of Tiger Woods pulling out of this years U.S. Open. Ever since that un"faithful" 2009 Thanksgivings Day night at 2:25 in the morning, ya know... The one where Elin Nordegren chased down (with a golf club) her then husband, forcing him to get into his Escalade and gun it down his driveway, causing him to slam into a fire hydrant, in which he suffered a minor concussion and facial lacerations? The night that changed one golfers life forever, starting a cataclysmic chain of events that would rock the foundation of professional golf indoubtedly for the next year and a half plus? Yeah, the legend, the man; whore, Tiger Woods has gone on a remarkable decline in legend status since said event, (Greg, don't get any ideas) and I'll tell you why!! Without the excitement of cheating on his wife with hot bitches (I say "bitches" only because that's what they are if they know a man is married, and sleep with them anyway), from around the country and world, it seems like Tiger has lost his MOJO!!!! No more sneaky phone calls in the middle of the night to random bitches (Not all women are "bitches", I rarely use this word. When I do use it, it's for comedic reasons only) while Elin lies next to him asleep?! That's not fun. Tiger needs a long rest! If not just to rest and let his "leg" heal, rest and save some time to relax and get his penile escapades takin care of. I'm sure he was getting way more poon tang when he was married, "bitches" seem to levitate to men with wedding rings (fuckin bitches). He's not the top golfer in the world anymore, for the first time in 15 years it seems. Here's my suggestion Tiger... If you wanna gain that electric blood-pumping anticipation of future infidelity (while swingin your club) back, ya gotta find an open wife!! Trust me, it will be beneficial for all parties! Golf is so damn boring without your black-asian super infidelitous ass playing. So, please, there's gotta be some bored gorgeous woman out there to play the part. In the meantime, rest. Rest your burning loins and insatiable deviant appetite, or get lucky and find that perfect lady to be your wife. The kind of wife that'll pretend your not bangin' bitches on the side, cause we need ya back, soon!! Now we have to watch players like McIlroy, Kaymer, Kucher, Westwood, and Luke Donald, awesome, NOT!! The only way I'll be watching the U.S. Open is if Melwood Champion Steve Wheatcroft qualifies for The U.S. Open, in the U.S. Open qualifying 36 hole event Monday. He'll be the definite favorite in the open, get ready for future U.S. Melwood Grand Champion Steve Wheatcroft!!!

By Richard Divita